Good morrow, one and all!
So, the last few months have been rather trying. My family and I shared the loss of Opa Waagenaar and recently found out one branch of the family is now trying to cause kakkies. Not nice.
A week after Opa passed away, I had the personal loss of a friend from KZN who was taken up for breathing problems (he had pneumonia) and passed away a few hours later. Really not nice.
My plans for my own wheels has had to be pushed back after we had to dig into the savings to survive the month - even with a boost in salary living is hard, and we don't even live extravagantly. I'm trying to learn desperately how to live with spending less, but the moment I manage that something else pops up that needs to be taken care of. Foo-rus-too-rei-ting-goo!
Anyway. On the major plus sides: We all remember Opa in a good light and have some amazing memories of him and Oma.
When it comes to Colin, even though we didn't communicate all that much, when we did it was good to catch up. We never had the world's deepest friendship, but it was important to me.
I didn't lose the other friendship I had feared to, but it has changed, and I think for now it was a necessary change. We're both too set in certain things and dealing with our own internal stuff. Taking things slower - even though this isn't an accurate description - gives us an opportunity to learn about each other from a different, less freaked out point of view. But this is as much as I'll say on this.
We have food in the fridge. If things look a bit lean in other areas, we can at the very least feed ourselves.
We have a roof over out heads. We aren't sleeping under a bridge.
I can SMILE!! Gods, there have been times where I'd have preferred to slit my wrists and just give up, but the thing is, I like smiling too much, and talking kak with friends and family and going to the beach and cuddling in rainy weather and and and. If I'd slit my wrists I'd have missed out on these few things and then tons of others. The smell of a cold morning, Bob looking all cute, watching Gizmo sleep on the foot of the bed, pasta, Trinity sneaking into the room... The list just goes on!
All of this being said, this still isn't completely what I'm trying to express and the way I feel.
The most basic thing this boils down to is the following:
I'm sorry I'm not going to be there for anyone, or make any commitments or catch myself in any obligations or agree to anything I don't want to agree to for the next while. I don't know how long this is going to last. I do know that I have been floating around from one thing and person and idea for faaaaaaaaar too long, and not really dealing with anything I'm supposed to deal with. In other words, myself. I've been putting things off or ignoring them. This ends now, even if it means I seem to cut myself off from other people and seem to become emotionally unavailable or appear to change into a stranger. Maybe becoming this stranger is just the thing I need to Become.
I can only know once it happens....
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